Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The State Of Dis-Union: The Speech Pres. Obama Should Give But Won't

The Economy Is Just One Speech Away From Recovery...The Onion

(The following speech has been abridged. "Justified" is on TV tonight).

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, distinguished guests and fellow Americans (with the exception of conservatives, The Tea Party, and Fox News).

We gather tonight knowing the sad state of the Union. While most of the problems can be directly attributed to my predecessors, conservatives, the Tea Party, Fox News and Republicans, I can assure you we're much better off than we were last year.

As you know, rates of poverty under my administration have increased substantially. The hardest hit have been those constituents who voted for me---twice. Believe me, as former president Bill Clinton once said, "I feel your pain." As a result, I will be requesting another $20 trillion for a New War On Poverty. The previous $20 trillion spent on LBJ's War on Poverty did not work. And if Congress refuses to allocate these funds, I will simply take out my pen and issue another executive order.

There's been a lot of debate and discussion regarding the Affordable Care Act or as my critics prefer to refer to it, Obamacare. Let me clear up some of these mis-representations tonight. Those tapes and videos were doctored by my political opponents. I said you can keep your health care plans and doctors if the insurance companies allow it. In other words, the insurance companies were complicit in trying to make me and my administration, including Kathleen Sebelius, out to be liars. Nothing could be further from the truth. The millions who have lost their insurance is the fault of insurance companies not our administration.

Regarding all of those alleged scandals like Fast and Furious, Benghazi, the IRS targeting conservatives and NSA spying on Americans---well, to tell you the truth---I knew nothing about any of those incidents and events. I will defer questions regarding those alleged scandals and countless other to my chief spokesperson, Jay Carney.

Our achievements in foreign policy have been stunning to say the least. We now have al-Qaeda on the run. They've been running from the Middle East to other parts of the globe. Quite frankly, the United States of America cannot be everywhere. We'll have to rely on our allies to pick up much of the slack in the War on Terrorism, and the problems we now see erupting in Egypt, Iran, Syria, and other parts of the globe. After all, as President of the United States, I've been charged with watching the government's spending.  In fact, as of tonight, I will be issuing an executive order to re-direct much of our foreign spending to our green initiative programs. It's been clearly apparent to me and my administration that the billions we've spend to date on those initiatives have not been enough. We need more electric cars, more windmills and more solar programs. I'm proud to announce I will be appointing former VP Al Gore to take the lead in promoting these initiatives.

Our economy has improved significantly since I became president. We've created millions of jobs as millions of Americans have dropped out of the workforce. Yes, a majority of those jobs are part-time. But as my wonderful mother once told me when I attended private school---a job is a job. Fortunately, many of those great Americans working in part-time jobs actually have several part-time jobs to make ends meet. That's the greatness of America under my administration.

The defining issue of the times and of my administration is to keep the promises we've made to the American people. We intend to keep those promises as we have in the previous 4 years if only the Republicans would get out of our way. And if Congress does get in my way, I will use that pen and phone. Like I said, I will keep my promises.

Every time I look out at the landscape, I know I'm the president of the greatest country on earth, the greatest country in the history of the world. As I consider that, I can see Americans looking up to me to lead this great nation into another transformation, a transformation that will require all of us making sacrifices---especially the wealthy.

Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.