Nation Supposes Its Outraged By White House Scandals...The Onion
- I decided to do a favor today for all those "low information voters" out there---to give them an update about what is really important in America. I know it's hard pulling most of them away from watching Live With Kelly, Maury, The View, Jerry Springer and other brain draining television shows they watch day after day, but I'm going to give it a shot.
- Let's start with the Benghazi scandal. No, Benghazi is not the name of some guy living in the Middle East. It's a city in Libya (a country next to Egypt where all those pyramids are located) where our consulate (kinda like an embassy) was attacked by terrorists on 9/11/12 (yes, on the anniversary of that 9/11 that I'm sure even they know about). In terms they might understand, we had four Americans who were killed by those terrorists that day. But our government lied about why the terrorists attacked the consulate. Our government and the Obama administration said it was a "spontaneous" attack by a group of guys just hanging around the corner that day singing do-wop songs from the 1950's. According to our government, the attackers were pissed off at some anti-Muslim movie that about 3 people in the entire world actually viewed. Later, it was revealed that our staff on the ground in Benghazi had requested more security months prior to the attack. According to reports, there had been other attacks during that period. Those requests were denied. We also found out that reports by our government---referred to as "talking points"---were revised to minimize the impression that the attack was done by terrorists. At this time, we also do not know where Pres. Obama was on that day. We do know he travelled to Las Vegas the next day for a fundraiser. Oh, before I forget, several Congressional Committees concluded there were serious "systemic" failures with the State Department, the Department headed by Hillary Clinton (Yes, that Hillary Clinton who will probably run for president).
- More than a month ago, it was reported that the IRS (those are the people who tax us every day. It's why our paycheck is always smaller) targeted specific political groups. In this case, they targeted conservatives and conservative groups (conservatives are those people you've been told hate the poor, want us to drink dirty water, breath dirty air and is run by a bunch of old white guys). There was no record of the IRS targeting any other political groups like Democrats and liberals who, as you know, are the most tolerant people in the world unless, of course, you disagree with them or you're a conservative.
- And just last week, it was reported that the NSA (the National Security Agency) has been monitoring all of our phone calls (including cell phone calls), our internet use and almost everything we do in public and even in private. Some guy by the name of Edward Snowden, a contractor who worked for the NSA, spilled the beans. But he booked to Hong Kong, a Communist Chinese controlled city, where he believes he'll be better treated (although the Commies have a history of killing over 100 million of their own people in the last 60 years). Yes, I know what all of you are thinking right now. All those porn sites you've visited, the NSA knows. All those phone calls you had with your mistress, the NSA knows. All that sexting you do, the NSA knows. Too bad, because now all that stuff is stored in some super secret facility. But don't worry, the government told us that they don't look at that stuff or listen in to any of our phone sex conversations. You believe that right?
- Most of the low-information voters voted for Obama. That's fine. Many of you probably know some poor people. But did you know, there are more of them since Obama became president---like 42 million. You probably know some people who use food stamps. But did you know, there are almost 50 million Americans on food stamps today? (That's more people than live in many countries throughout the world). Unemployment is still high at 7.6% (but that does not count the number of people who have given up looking for work or are underemployed). And unemployment for African-Americans and Hispanics is still very high. African-American unemployment is about 13% (40% for youth). Hispanic unemployment is over 9%. And if you're graduating from college, only 1 in 2 of you will find a decent job. Many of you will also be drowning in debt because of your outstanding student loans. And, since you won't be able to find a job or a good paying job, many of you will to be in a world of shit. But not to worry, you can always move in with your aging parents who were planning on retiring but lost most of their retirement savings in the last 5 years. Oh, one more thing, middle-class wealth declined by 40%. But you probably knew that already if you still have a savings account.
- Now you can go back and watch E News and find out if Kanye West cheated on Kim Kardashian.
- PS: And I didn't even get into ObamaCare but don't worry. Pres. Obama said it will be the greatest thing since the invention of the Internet (that thing Al Gore invented).
Postscript: Since this was posted, the VA scandal broke and more information has been released regarding the malfeasance at the IRS. In addition, the Obama administration's foreign policy is in tatters.
