Tonight, Obama will be delivering a speech describing a strong, optimistic America. He'll be reading Ronald Reagan's 1986 State of the Union Address...WH Press Secretary Tweet (satire)
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, Distinguished Guests and Fellow Americans (except Republicans, Conservatives and Fox News):
We gather tonight knowing how much I've screwed up the country in just the last seven years. But what you don't know---it was intentional (a slight smile crosses his lips and Democrats stand up and cheer).
As you know, terrorism is now a global scourge. We've also had approximately 13 terrorist attacks on our soil in less than eight years. Yes, I know I referred to ISIL (ISIS) as just a "JV Team." Well, it was---but then morphed into a greater threat while on was on my many vacations and playing several hundred rounds of golf. (to a loud applause by the Democrats in the chamber). Moreover, we released prisoners from GITMO, many of whom returned to their old tricks of beheading innocents, kidnapping women and enslaving them and throwing gays from rooftops. We also released thousands of illegal immigrant felons. And don't forget---we released five Taliban commanders in exchange for Sgt. Bergdahl whose family we praised in the WH Rose Garden (Again, the Democrats stand and applaud for at least 2 minutes).
Yes, we've had a few insignificant scandals like Fast and Furious, Benghazi, the IRS and even the systemic failures of the VA. But, hey! I can't keep watch over everything that happens in my administration. Anyway, most of those were still Bush's fault.
We are happy to announced the state of the economy has never been better. Just last week, Wall Street tanked right out of the 2016 gate----it's worst performance since before the Great Depression. As we intended, middle class incomes continue to stagnate. More impressively, we've managed to keep over 94M Americans out of the workforce and expand out poverty rolls by the millions. All of this and more while I was still able to take $70M worth of vacations. I am also happy to announce the nation debt is now approaching $19T----one hell of a damn good achievement on my watch.
In addition to these accomplishments, I've been able to by-pass The Constitution and Congress by issuing as many executive orders as I've wanted. In fact, with little opposition from even the Republican Party (the Chamber erupts---Democrats stand up and applaud---and even some Republicans do as well).
The defining issue for the last year of my presidency (smirking) will continue to be the transformation of this once great nation to one that is reflective of my vision for it. Namely, I will ensure we continue to weaken our military---after all, what good do they do anyway? I will ensure those 94M Americans out of the workforce continue enjoying their free time. And those millions in poverty? That's going to be one of Michelle's pet projects considering her school lunch program was a total success. In addition, Michelle will continue her hashtag diplomacy against Boko Haram (once again, the Democrats in the Chamber erupt in applause and smiles).
Finally, it is always good to know the main stream media will continue to cover my back no matter how badly I screw up. They can always be counted on for pretending to be honest and ethical. America! What a country!
Thank you and God Bless America. (many Democrats can actually be seen fainting in the Chamber aisles).
Note: Camera shifts to Chris Mathews who has tears streaming down his pale, pasty face. And CNN is overheard ordering dozens of tampon earrings for its on-air personalities----including Anderson Cooper.